Search for peace

My oldest went to visit his dad and was gone for two weeks. That may be what started the ball rolling. I was much more emotional than I expected to be about the visit after so many years of them not spending time together. I fully expected MJ to have a perfectly wonderful time in comparison to the dreary life that we live here. That's pretty much what happened and he came home talking about moving there. But that's another story . . .

Anyway, while he was visiting he told me about the bar-b-que with all the Pohnpeians there and the foods they were getting, which were some of my favorites from Pohnpei. I found myself being jealous. Jealous of MJ for getting to experience those things, jealous of his dad for providing such a good time with none of the responsibilities a parent has, and I believe there was some longing thrown in about what used to be. I had a talk with Hubby about the islands, it wasn't such a pleasant talk, but it made me realize I really need to put the past in the past. So often we embellish things in our memory and when we go back to see those places we dream of, they aren't really all that.

So there was all the feelings about the places I used to live and thoughts about the life I used to have and I wondered why I feel the way I do about the ex. A lot of it is that he was supposed to be my partner in raising children. Even if we weren't married. Now he's off living the lifestyle that I wanted to live and not helping me at all. He's got the good stuff. I went through the difficulties of getting the kids to this point and now when one is turning out pretty well, he's the one who gets to enjoy it. Okay, I know, it sounds petty and just very unlike me, but there it is.

And then there's Facebook. It has dredged up memories and made me think about people I haven't seen or heard from in 8 years or 20 years or more. I've thought about some of the relationships which have been damaged or lost. You think you're over something and then realize there's still some grief there.

I've decided somehow I need to come to peace with my past. I probably can't do it all at once, but somehow I need to start the process. I used Facebook to attempt to get in touch with one who I had a broken relationship with. Still haven't heard on that. I'm considering writing a letter to the ex, but don't know if it's the kind of letter I should actually send. I'm also reading my Bible and remembering that God forgave me (note past tense) for my failures and He has forgotten. I need to soak that in and not keep making myself feel guilty. Any other suggestions?