Processing

I have recently realized I have a lot of emotions I haven't dealt with completely. In my work as an MDT facilitator, I have to sit and listen to a whole bunch of personal and emotional stuff. But I don't get to say anything and mostly even prevent my face from showing a reaction. There are times I want to laugh out loud at what I hear and other times I want to beat my head, or someone else's, on the table. But, we are to be the neutral party so I have to stuff the feeling for a while and then vent later when I get to the office. Of course we never seem to share everything or get everything out, we have to learn how to just dismiss things without dealing with them.

It seems I'm doing somewhat the same thing in my personal life. Above all I try to remain calm and collected and deal with the feeling later. But sometimes I don't deal with the feelings the way I should. It seems life happens so fast, I don't always have time or take time to process what I've been feeling. I came to a point recently where I was asked how I felt about something and I said, honestly, I don't know. I never say that! That's not me!! Then I knew I had come to a point that I needed to deal with some past feelings so that I could get in touch and feel again.

I have begun the process of processing, and now it's like I broke the dam. The littlest thing starts me crying. If you are someone who sees me, do not be alarmed at this. I've actually warned my co-workers this could happen. Last week I had to deal with this in a serious way. It wasn't really something little that set me off, but I certainly over-reacted. The whole "critical" issue came up again. It led to me processing my own view of myself. Ever done that? It isn't easy! I believe I am really changing my own view of who I am and learning to accept that. My hubby again confirmed he does not want me to change, he loves me the way I am. If he loves me and God who made me loves me (I know HE does), then I should be able to love myself.